Lemons are for kids

Wheat beer has surely become one of the signs of Summer. Not that they aren't available all year long, but they sure do sound a lot better in summer.
Thanks to the German and Belgian traditions these wheat beers are often fruity. American wheat makers too scared to use the yeast to create these flavors encourage drinkers to add their own fruit to the mix. Lemons are the most common choice, but oranges have also begun to invade beer.
Allow me to start by saying that citrus in beer can be delicious. And... Just like mushed up beets are a favorite or new eaters, I'm sure lemons, limes and oranges do just fine for the neophyte drinker. But once you are ready to graduate to the big boy pants of drinking may I suggest jalapenos.
Keep in mind that several jalapeno laden beers are probably clouding my judgement right now, but this stuff rocks. I have had several "pepper" beers before. One local brewpub even made a good one, but most taste like pickles or worse.
My contribution to the world of beer is much better, much easier, and goes something like this:

1. Ask a good friend who has a garden to grow you some fresh jalapenos.
2. Offer sound knowledge for some of the peppers.
3. Cut the pepper in half, then into slices.
4. Pour yourself a very light wheat ale. The less carbonation the better.
5. Place jalapenos into beer and stir.
6. Drink beer.

This little recipe is sure to please. It will also burn your lips.

Next time you are at a bar ask them why there are no jalapenos in their condiment tray. If there are some, let me know the name of the bar and I will meet you there.

FESTIVAL SEASON ARRIVES

As any good beer lover knows there is no bad time for a beer, but there is no better time than a festival.
There are hundreds of different festivals in the United States and with very few exceptions they are the perfect places to enjoy a tasty beer. The tricky part of these grand celebrations is making the right choices. The most wonderful festival can be destroyed by choosing the wrong flavors to enjoy. I’m not here to order for you, just to help dodge the landmines and hit the easy home runs.
Some festivals make your choice of beer very easy. If you are at an actual beer festival get your little sample cup and get to it. The only thing to keep in mind at this type of event is a safe way home and food in between every couple dozen samples. Be sure to try things you are curious about first as your pallet will be a bit more discerning early on. As time goes by try a bunch of beers you would have never tried otherwise. You are bound to like about anything at this point and will become a sudden fan of beers you would have never tried otherwise.
The second easiest festivals are the seasonal variety. If you are at a Summerfest you are probably only choosing between light lagers and wheats anyway. Occasionally there will be a special seasonal one better than another but the key is to wet the whistle. 100 degree heat is not the right time to experiment. Stick with a domestic you know or some other favorite. Fall festivals are traditionally the best for beer. Many brewers make special beers just for the season and they are often their very best. I believe the word Oktoberfest is actually German for heaven. Feel free to find a beer that you like and that is easy to drink if you need to, but don’t resort to mass production at one of these wonderful events. Fall festivals are for the pros. Bud lights and frat boys are asked to disguise themselves for these sacred events. If you find yourself stuck outside at some winter event I’m not sure what to tell you. Find your way indoors next to a fire with a winter warmer selection nearby.
Then there are the ethnic festivals. As luck would have it, most of these festivals revolve around cultures where beer is fairly important. Irish and German festivals seem to be the most common for some strange reason. You would think these events would be easier than they are for selecting the right beer, but commercialism has made these a bit tricky. What do you do when Coors Light is the featured beer at the local Irish Fest? If there is no other choice I suppose you drink it or go home. Even if a major brewer is the sponsor of an ethnic festival there is usually some tent with something more authentic. What is the point of going to a cultural event just to experience American mainstream culture?The good news is there are very few festivals where the growing army of craft brewers haven’t at least put a toe in the door. Even State and County Fairs often have a few choices present. The key is to have fun. By simply looking at the list of sponsors for the event you should have a good idea of what you are getting into. Just remember you can always protest bad selection with a killer tailgate party.

VALENTINE'S IS A DAY FOR BEER

Well here we are in February again. Home to the beer guzzler’s biggest nemesis: Valentine’s Day. We beer lovers have done a pretty decent job of turning every other holiday to our advantage. I grant that St. Pat’s was an easy target, but just look what holiday beers and winter warmers have done to Christmas. 4th of July is one of the biggest beer days of the year. Memorial Day and Labor Day…done and done. But this Valentine’s Day is a real road block. I had to spend an hour in the beer aisle just to get a few ideas of where to start chipping away at this one.

It is not too hard to see where the problem lies. The very premise of Valentine’s Day is simple. Make guys do what women wish they would do all year or the men will spend the whole year getting bashed. I knew a thoughtful young man who bought his wife a beautiful new dishwasher. You would have thought this guy spit on her in public.
Given that, you can understand what a challenge squeezing a few delicious beers into this thinly disguised “Girl Day” is going to be, but don’t worry. I am here to save the day. In a few simple steps, you will be sharing brews with your sweetie and having the perfect romantic evening.

Beer #1: Boulder Brewing Company’s Mojo India Pale Ale
Almost every woman thought the first Austin Powers movie was funny. This is every guy’s chance to act like an idiot for a minute or two while quickly drinking this lovingly brewed IPA. Just make sure to drink this one yourself. It’s awfully heavy on the hops and if you give her that bitter beer face right off the bat--GAME OVER!

Beer #2: Coors’ Blue Moon
By now she is laughing at the little Mojo stunt and with any luck she is getting thirsty. “Do you have any Champagne?” she might ask. “Nope,” you’ll reply. “I have something even better.” Quickly pour two Blue Moons into wine glasses and BING! The smooth, fruity flavor and light color have both of you talking about how great she is.
NOTE: Be sure to have an escape hatch in the fridge. If the Blue Moon didn’t do it, be sure to have a fruit-flavored Michelob or something as a backup.

Beer #3: New Belgium Brewing’s Abbey Belgian Style Ale
I can only hope by now she is getting that sparkle in her eye, calling off dinner reservations and asking if you have any other treats in the beer frig. As luck would have it, you have Abbey Belgian Style Ale in the frig. How could anyone resist the rich mahogany color and fruity smoothness. (I’m not really tasting much fruit, but that’s what the label says.) It is smooth, though, and girls dig smooth. The wonder of this final choice is that the company is run by a woman, Kim Jordan, who’s husband was a home brewer and now they are rolling in cash. I had the pleasure of meeting her once, but she refused the cloning request.

If all this has gone your way, you are truly blessed and together we have beaten V-Day into submission. If this didn’t work, be sure to get in touch and I will see if the fellas at the brewery will help with a “Cupid’s Peach Wheat” for Valentine’s ’09.

IMPORTANT: Be sure you haven’t accidentally sabotaged yourself. Remove all
St. Pauli Girl and cheap canned beer from the frig prior to opening. I know cleavage on beer bottles and Pabst are fun, but you must stay focused.

GUZZLING AND REFLECTING A TONE

It seems like everything in America is an either or proposition. I’m sure this is true everywhere in the world. Up to this point it just seemed like a fact of life - until it crept into beer.
Either you like extreme beer or you like bland beer. Cans are the devil or the best thing ever invented by man. The list of beer arguments seems to be growing. Luckily, because of the subject of the argument these battles never seem to last very long or even be remembered.
Another either or trend has started up in beer publications as well. Either you are evaluating and putting numbers on beers or hopelessly describing the fine floral aspects of everything ever bottled.
To this humble guzzler, beer is man’s greatest gift and the fact that talking and writing about it have become boring is a sin.
To this end I will blab endlessly about everything having to do with life and beer, but with a few simple guidelines:
The only numbers to be associated with beer should involve measurements made by a brewer, ie. Gravity, temperature, color or carbonation.
Beers are not good or bad. Unless there is poison in one there is nothing inherently bad about a beer it just needs to be used in the right situation. Possibly in the glass of someone you don’t like, but all beer has a purpose.
There is no place the topic of beer should be off limits. If they can drink wine in church beer should be everywhere.
Out of these three rules, I probably feel the most strongly about #2. I think that beer is art. This is probably a bit easier to appreciate in some small craft brews than in mass market beers, but just because they are reproduced more doesn’t lessen their value. Starry night doesn’t get worse because Wal-Mart sells 5 billion copies. Any beer historian knows that making thick, chunky beers in the 1800’s was easy. The heroes were those with the skill to make it delicate and balanced.
Never has this become more obvious than with today’s craft beer brewers. “Big” beers will last in a bottle for years while delicious lighter offerings can turn to crap in a week.
This is probably starting to sound like I am some ninny who can’t gag down anything stronger than a Zima. Au contraire, I am thrilled each time Sam Adams and Dogfish Head try to one-up each other in the battle of alcohol. I have eaten hops right out of the tank. (Not recommended). But there is a time and place where every different beer should be properly guzzled. I can’t ever remember being in the bleachers at a ballgame in 100F heat and wished for a triple bock. I wouldn’t order a can of Stag on a first date. But don’t think for one minute I don’t stumble into the woods with a deer tag and a 30-pack of Pabst. Or that I don’t toast a sparkling Sierra Nevada at an upscale restaurant.To be a respectable beer guzzler in my opinion you must be a total contradiction and enjoy every sip!!